Know this feeling? You CAN break free, I promise!
Suedenim’s Blog 2
Skip ahead to 2018 goals. The first one was “crack alcohol consumption”. Clearly 2017 wasn’t successful in that direction, although I did lose the weight and I did get fitter!
2018 was the year when my alcohol consumption went sky high, but I rush ahead 😉
April – I had some acamprosate left over from last year so I took that. I had the best of intentions, but needless to say, it didn’t work so I went back to S2S. I didn't know what else to do. Things hadn’t changed much except they didn't prescribe acamprosate then, and their kind of home detox just didn’t fit in with my life-style, so I left again and just carried on drinking and hating myself for doing so.
In July I visited an old farm house in Cirencester. No TV, communal cooking and eating, NO BOOZE. I loved it there, and not having a drink didn't bother me. I met Ben, a drug addict and alcoholic who nearly killed himself twice before he got clean after a long time in residential care. We clicked straight away and he told me he saw a kindred link in me. Alcohol – not the best link to have, but hey ho! He got me thinking about alcohol is a way S2S never had. What was my relationship with Alcohol? What did it give me that I could not get from other aspects of my life? Why was I giving my power to it?
I looked at what I did with my life (I'm retired) and it seems I interacted with stuff that wanted nothing from me - my dog, my volunteering work, drinking. I enjoyed all those things; they soothed me, they were safe, and they didn't want anything back from me. Alcohol was my friend. (yeah, I know ☹) Alcohol dulled my senses, took the stress and pain of everyday life away. I remember writing “Wine is a full stop. A good end to a day.” And possible an end to life.
I did manage to stop again for a short while, although it was still controlling me even then! I was counting the days I had not had a drink, so I was thinking about it daily. It was on my mind when I woke up, and it was there last thing at night. I was meeting Ben fairly regularly and he was stretching my thinking. By September I felt so much better. I was running three times a week, enjoying life, Inspirational Woman of the Year at my slimming club. Yeah – don’t cheer just yet!
By November I was drinking again i’d just given in to alcohol. I was never going to be able to overcome its control over me. And who cared anyway? Certainly not me!